Finals

Stress. Papers. Studying. Writing. Cramming. Trying to understand. Trying to regurgitate. Trying to breath. trying to sleep. not so much time to sleep.

Basically, my second semester of classes is over and all that is left is finals. papers and finals. it's still a lot. i have come so far, and yet, not finished yet.
we live in the already and the not yet. the semester is over, but not yet.
Stress.
I've been tense all day. and have been waking up with headaches. these are not good signs. it's sorta the signs of the season. finals. goodbyes. endings. beginnings.

in other school news... practicum has finished, all expect triad meetings. Practicum was a hard, sweet place to be seen for who i am. my strengths and weaknesses. my passions and my tendencies of avoidance. the ways that i lead, and how that can help and hinder others. my uncomfortableness with silence. my willingness to learn, jump in and be vulnerable. I'm thankful for what it was. and part of me hopes i wont have to do it again.

i am not convinced that i could be a marriage and family therapist. phew! what a job! i believe in fighting for marriages. yes. but I'm not sure i could handle the conflict, tension and standing in the middle....we (roommates) did laugh that perhaps i would want to be a sex therapist....but not a marriage therapist. but somehow maybe one is really the other, and the the other is really the one....I'm learning more about education and the importance of good conversations regarding our sexuality. knowledge, education, all towards personal worth and health.

As this semester draws itself to a close, there are 400 brazilion other things to be moving on towards. I'm particularly jealous of the crew that ditched our last class tonight to go to the Mariners game. but i am not sad that i went to class. Joanne is so worth it!

Tonight i was so encouraged by Joanne's words regarding church. HOPE. forsaking not the meeting together of believers, and the HOPE that there can be redemption in the midst of a meeting of believers. in the face of pain, despair, brokenness, suffering, HOPE. church unity. faithfulness. God has not given up on the church. and in our own struggle with the church, for the church, from the church, God has not given up. His heart is as big as ever. for each one of us. each one.
As i deal with my own stuff, i can willingly be an instrument of reconciliation. i have been wounded, and i have been the wounder. and i want the reconciliation. HOPE.
And it is NOT easy.
but, i think I'm learning to be a fighter. to be a gentle fighter, well, maybe not always so gentle. There are some really good things worth fighting for. including me. including the church. including each person that God has a heart for.