The Heat

I've been reading a book about Africa recently and it has me thinking about the very small ways (in comparison) that I am trying to stake out my own little place in the ground and have a life. 

The dry season in Africa is not something to be trifled with.  The heat is always there. the sun comes and comes. and if the rains don't come or if they are even delayed, the consequences are severe.
and sometimes it is the children who suffer the most from it. Famine is real. And precious 2 year olds are affected.

In my own ways, i am aware of how much the heat and sun impacts me, even in the heart of the city.
The garden is coming along, most of our sprouts are up! which makes me so excited, but with such intense heat and little respite, they are still really vulnerable.

Heat tolerant plants that i have invested in look wilty at the end of a long day.
Internally that's how i feel often these days. wilted.
Somehow i just can't keep my footing on solid ground. i feel shaken easily. One canceled meeting throws me into a foul mood. One more rejection email feels like a silent slap. A particularly challenging session with a client makes me thoroughly doubt my capabilities.

I have two touchy house plants these days. Both seem to wilt at the drop of a hat-and they are house plants! sigh. but, really, my internal state is not so different.  Every 3 to 4 days i get pretty sensitive, wilty and discouraged.

This is not what i had imagined this year would be.
I feel like i am waiting.
For an unknown thing. or many unknown things.
I can't quite jump in and invest where i am during this waiting time.
Because I do not know what is next.

So, what does being faithful and committed in the waiting time mean?
i guess I'm not sure what it means today.

While the intense heat of the day in GB meant nap time for my neighbors, i took walks and did work and all my neighbors asked "what in the world was i doing going out during the heat of the day!?"
I couldn't easily bring myself to stop and rest.  Sometimes if i kept moving, i didn't stop and think about how hot it really was. How hot it would be at bedtime. How hot it would be tomorrow and the day after too.

So in this literal and internal place of ongoing heat, sometimes i just try to keep moving.
But it doesn't always help.

I'm not sure what would help.