Waiting

Sometimes waiting feels like the hardest thing to do, and I am not always very good at the in-between time.

We are often or sometimes presented with doorways. an entry. a threshold. a new space or path.

As i have entered the year, i was aware of being in the space of looking for a job.

Waiting patiently in this threshold has been tough. I get discouraged easily and lose my way. On one hand, my job is to stand still and wait. be IN the waiting. and on the other hand, my job is to keep moving, to keep searching, to keep hoping and pursuing and looking. So, how do i be still and be moving? 

Not sure.

I fill out applications and mostly feel like it is wasted time. and that feels LAME.
I try to make connections, but don't always have time. I feel desperate and say needy rude things that i wish i wouldn't have. I get real angry at my current job and act like someone I don't always like. I feel competent and strong. and I feel doubtful and completely unqualified.

Sometimes it feels easier to find jobs that other people would want to apply for.

I keep thinking about Asian doorways-the ones that have a foot high step as part of the frame. Part of the thoughts is that the step keeps ghosts or bad ancestors out-cause they cant bend their knees and so they will trip before being able to enter the house or special place.  Except I'm the one that can't bend my knees and keep trying to rush forward unknowingly into....something....anything. and then i trip emotionally.

My self worth gets so easily tied up into what i do. sigh. One sincere compliment can hold me. But being ignored or talked down to or scolded puts me into funks that i struggle to crawl out of. I try hard to not be needy, but i am not actually very good at being invisible. even when i think i have everyone fooled...

If i could choose the front porch that i was waiting on: it would have a hammock on it. and tonight, i would like to crawl into the hammock and wait. Invest my nervous energy into swinging and desperately try to be patient. Light a candle on the front porch to remind me of all my hopes and prayers that i want to hold onto. and keep swinging.