Isolation

Is it nature or nurture?
Am i made this way or did i react to life in this way?
Attachment styles.
Ambivalence. desperation and confusion. Preoccupation. seeking to be loved and fulfilled while also acting strong and unneedy.
Without using too much therapy jargon, attachment styles are a way of thinking about people and the way we live in relationships. 

sometimes i choose the isolation because the pain of being in connection hurts.
if i just ignore the pain, and keep moving, somehow it hurts less?!??

i know this is not true, but I've managed to make it work for me for years.
sometimes i just don't like the pain.

I'm not miserable right now, but realize that i have more free time in this summer season, and as much as i want to connect, i choose isolation sometimes too.
sabotaging myself. sigh.

just gotta get it out there.


plus, as a double whammy, phone reception in our house is terrible, and i want to have deep connecting conversations, but can't even get past hello without asking "What!?!"
I am frustrated about this.