Awkward

the funk. funky. unsure. sorta. fine. awkward. ready. tired. uncomfortable. strong. settling. getting the hang of it. but funky.

How are you?

sigh.

i know my way around, usually. i know some dear friends and family. i have a church that i love most days. i get to see Jeff a lot. I'm lucky, right?

but it's just funky. i don't quite know what to talk about with my new coworkers. i don't quite feel comfortable living with my siblings again. i can't quite figure out the easiest ways to get across town. stores and places have moved or closed. things are the same and totally different. i am the same and totally different.

two weeks in a row have produced a day when i receive about five or more phone calls from people i love. and i let the messages pile up, which overwhelms me, and then i listen to the messages and ache with missing everyone. and i cant quite bring myself to return the calls yet. some dear friends know i need stalkers sometimes. thank you for your stalking.

i'm getting more settled in, finding places to store my stuff, little spots to unpack into. but i haven't quite find or made spots and routines yet to rest in, to journal in, to cry in. i'm reading and driving to stay busy and distracted.

a new coworker recently visited Seattle and told me that her brother in law will be starting at MHGS.....hearing her talk about it all, including the admissions guy who i knew, made me miss it. made me frustrated that i am starting again rather than settled in....sigh. i don't want to be frustrated and in a funk. i don't want to feel awkward.

i want to be thankful and gracious. i want to be courageous and strong. i want to be connected. i want space to rest.

I'm picking up shifts like crazy to keep my benefits and this makes me slightly stressed and irritable.

i still have more boxes of stuff than i can imagine and can't find this one book that i have been thinking about for awhile.

I'm requesting things from the library and getting some books read in my car.

i met Jeff's extended family and was in the family pictures. it's amazing how families blend, and kinda crazy too right? strangers become lifetime friends.

I'm studying to test out of two classes. can anyone tell me why the exact date of the exodus of Israel has any effect on my life today?

I'm changing my major, but staying in counseling (moving towards licensure) in hopes of being more likely to get a job. transcripts are needed for this and somehow, the most impossible thing to come by.

i polished a whole bunch of the furniture....and it was kinda fun.

i painted the two rooms I'm going to be spending the most time in once school starts, and really appreciated the help i got.

i feel like i just pay lip service to my time in Africa these days and that feels really weird. am i loosing it? will i be one of those people who went once and basically never goes again? my life was changed, but not really?

Jeff and i are talking about wedding dates. I'm ready. excited and ready.

i bought running shoes finally. now to get back into the swing of it.

let the sun shine in, claire. let the sun shine in.