Therapy

I'm finally checking back in to the blogging world.
I finished finals and did pretty well in all my classes.
i went to Colorado for a few weeks to see my family and Jeff. it was wonderful.
i have returned to daily life in Seattle.
I'm working part time, going to school full time, maintaining relationships and realizing how much personal work still can be done on my heart.

Honestly, coming back to Seattle after a relaxing time in Colorado was hard. i realize again that moving and starting a life in a new place has it's costs. i have chosen to be away from some of the people i love the most. i have chosen to step away from the church that has supported me thru my years in Africa and been my adult life church. i have chosen to step away from a mostly adult job where i met a man that i love. i have chosen to instead start a three year intense counseling program. it is a lot of work, and as much as i love it, i also want to maintain a balanced life and haven't done that so well this past semester. i want to be better about that.

anyways, i was crying for a couple of days there after coming back....and it makes me want to learn more about seasonal affective disorder. classmates are taking vitamin d and going tanning to maintain mental clarity....am i also affected drastically by the clouds?

the personal things that are building into a list of things to work on with my new counselor:
1. i carry a lot of fear with me in relationships-believing that even those closest to me are going to hurt me....so i best protect myself. This does NOT lead to intimacy and vulnerability.
2. i jump quickly to deep feelings of shame. when confronted with a situation where things have not gone ideally, i heap the guilt upon myself and am transported to third grade when mean Ms. Meschke yelled at me for talking in class. This shame has less to do with my present circumstances and more to do with these stories from my childhood. the shame still presides.
3. i say that i believe God is unsafe but good. but what does good really mean? and if his good includes child abuse and trauma, if it includes death or even taunting....how can i trust him? this does not work out in my brain.
4. i do not like dealing with conflict. and basically, so much of life feels like conflict to me.
5. I'm sensitive and naive about a lot of things. I'm not sure how this can be a positive thing.
6. My family has shaped me in major ways. school has been an excellent place for pointing these things out. Now i have to decide how i want to continue to live.
7. I'm better at grace and mercy than strength and honesty. how can i hold both sides?

I'm hoping to start with my new counselor on Wednesday. this also brings up another point. starting with a new counselor reminds me that i don't get to continue meeting and hanging out with Mary. and this is sad. new life in Seattle means letting go of things in Denver. sad. challenging and sad.

and, from my short readings from last weeks class, i think i would rather become a therapist than a counselor. it probably depends on ones definition, but therapists get to build relationships that can provide healing. Counselors are supposed to be experts....and I'm not an expert.
And, i guess that means that i want to say that i've got therapy this week with a new therapist. not a counselor. though i secretly hope she has got all the right answers and will build a relationship that heals.