What I'm Not Saying

I'm not saying that I'm overwhelmed. I'm not saying how much thinking of moving for grad school scares me. I’m not saying how much it wears me out to be halfway living in two places. I'm not saying that I'm lonely. I'm not saying that I'm afraid to go on dates with new men. I'm not saying that I hate taking dogs on walks in the cold. I'm not saying that I'm worn out from filling out applications and have no energy for filling out financial aid forms. I'm not saying that I miss my parents or my sisters. I'm not saying how much I hate taking care of car problems. I'm not saying how much I miss Bissau, the kids and my friends. I'm not saying how much I hate marital problems and doubts. I'm not saying that I hate the commute from Arvada. I'm not saying that I hate sleeping on mattresses on the floor. I'm not saying that I hate dealing with bugs in our apartment. I'm not saying that my computer is getting so old it doesn't work well. I'm not saying that it's still sorta fresh that I received an apology letter that was about five years overdue. I'm not saying that I’m worried about covering my bills. I'm not saying that I’m frustrated with dealing with it all. I'm not saying that I have a crush on someone who is taken. I'm not saying that I'm worried, again, that I can't trust my heart and actions. I'm not saying how much I hate being cold. I'm not saying how much I want to yell when I can't find anything I need. I'm not saying how discouraged I feel studying about taking up my cross. I'm not saying how much I wish I could swear and wish I were really mad about something. I'm not saying that I have library fines because I can't even manage to return my items on time. I'm not saying that I need help because it seems no one is very available to help. I'm not saying that I'm crying and I'm not saying why I might be crying.